


A Final Act of Redemption

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: By Palpatine, Character Development, Explicit Sexual Content In Flashbacks, Flashbacks, Force Ghost Leia Organa, Force Ghost Luke Skywalker, Force Training, Gray Jedi, Gray Jedi Ben Solo, Gray Jedi Rey (Star Wars), In a really roundabout way, Luke Skywalker Is Not an Asshole, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Poe Dameron Gets Character Development, Politics, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Resurrection, Reunions, Rey & Ben Solo Friendship, Rey Palpatine, Rey Skywalker, Slow Burn Darkpilot, Spoilers For The Rise of Kylo Ren #1, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, Tags Contain Spoilers, That's Not How The Force Works, Threats of Violence, Uncle-Nephew Relationship, ben solo redemption, between Darkpilot, but Legends has done weirder so whatever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:28:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22072531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Luke’s last gift to Ben.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Comments: 36
Kudos: 53
Collections: Darkpilot Fix-Its, The_Multishipper_Post_TROS_Happy_Place_Collection





	1. Going Home

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Yeah, maybe that’s not how the Force works. I just wanted an excuse to at least redeem Luke. Also, this got way too fucking big for trope_bingo. 
> 
> Also, quote comes from Knights of the Old Republic, because I love that game.

It was familiar where Ben woke. He hadn’t expected the netherworld of the Force to involve places he already knew, but he knew this place. The Jedi Temple where he trained, before Snoke had destroyed it. It seemed that death had a talent for replicating the places you never thought you'd see again.

And his uncle was here. Ben suppressed a groan. He supposed he needed to be punished for what he did sooner or later, and being humiliated by Luke a second time seemed fitting enough. 

”You did beautifully, Ben,” Luke said. 

All right, Ben hadn’t expected that. “I didn’t expect you to...see me,” he said. “I thought you hated me.”

”I didn’t,” Luke said. “It always was more complex than that. And...you arrived here earlier than you should. I’m sending you home.”

”Home?” It took a while for Ben to fully comprehend what his uncle was saying. 

"If you could bring Rey back,” Luke said, “I see no reason why you can’t come back.”

“Why are you doing this?” Ben said. He couldn’t believe, still, that Luke was willing to do what he could. For him. Him, of all people. Who disappointed the Skywalker-Solo line. Him.   
  
He wasn’t worth that much.   
  
Luke was quiet for a while. “Don’t think it’s anything special,” he said. “Technically, it’s my fault.”  
  
“How?” Ben said.   
  
“Because I was misled. Because when I could have tried to help you, I thought...just thought of killing you. Rey asked me if I created Kylo Ren. In a way, I good as did. Because I wasn’t strong enough to resist...”  
  
“What do you mean?” Ben said.   
  
“The night I went to your hut,” Luke said, “It was like there was something else in my mind. With me. Goading me, to kill you. ‘Kill Ben Solo and you can stop another darkness,’ that’s what it said. Even when I drew my lightsaber, it was like...being in some sort of trance...”  
  
It sounded unbelievable. And yet, somehow, Ben thought, it made sense. The way his uncle had looked...he looked like he was coming out of a dream. Ben couldn’t shake the feeling either, like there was someone _else_ with his uncle. In his head.   
  
He had only briefly considered it before it kicked in that oh-stars-my-own-uncle-wants-me-dead.   
  
“Did Palpatine do this?” Ben said.   
  
Luke nodded. “It might have been a form of revenge,” he said, “For indirectly contributing to his death on the Second Death Star. I was strong enough to resist him then...but I couldn’t resist him with you...”  
  
“You did.” It was odd, trying to comfort his would-have-been-murderer. “You didn’t kill me. That’s what he would have wanted. And...it wasn’t your fault that he latched onto you. Got inside your head. You were a victim of mind control, Uncle. But Palpatine’s hopefully gone for good and never has to hurt anyone again.” A beat. “At least I don’t have to hear him chewing the scenery. Man could have been a good theater actor if Plagueis hadn’t found him.”  
  
Luke’s lips twitched. “That’s not funny, Ben.” A beat. “Mind you, that would have been interesting...”  
  
Ben laughed. Somehow, it felt good to at least do that, after so many years.  
  
Then Luke said, more seriously, “If you don’t believe you deserve a second chance, Ben, at least know that I want a chance to make things better. At least believe that I want to do something right. A good deed that wasn’t built on a lie.”  
  
Ben nodded. “Where will I go, though? Poe doesn’t want to see me. And I can’t go back to how I was.”  
  
“Anywhere. As for Poe...I can imagine that redemption isn’t an easy road. But I have faith in you. You have the seeds of it. I watched as you defied Palpatine, as you gave everything to save Rey. You did that all yourself, Ben. It was a long time coming, but you did it. Never doubt you did a good thing.”  
  
“It was the least I could do.” And Rey — they had kissed on Exegol. They both had. Ben hadn’t known why he did that, other than...perhaps to make her happy, before he faded away? He had explaining to do. A lot of it.   
  
"And this is the least I can do. Take my hand, Ben.”  
  
Ben did. And he could feel the energy all but pouring into him, the artificial representation of the old Jedi Temple fading away. He could hear Luke’s voice too, becoming fainter and fainter. “Live, Ben. Live...”  
  
***  
  
He needed clothes. That was the first thing he realized even as he awoke, in the stone temple on Exegol. That was definitely a sign he lived, wasn’t it — he could feel the chill of the air over his skin. Cold stone against warm flesh. Luke had given something of himself, hadn’t he — to bring Ben back. His uncle...even after Crait, he hadn’t hated him. To think Kylo Ren had relied, among other things, on the idea his uncle hated him, and so had his mother, just to keep his anger going. He had relied so much on his anger. His pain. The additional anger, like his destiny was not his own. Snoke had destroyed the Temple and framed him for it. And then from there...  
  
 _But you could have left at any time,_ he thought. _You didn’t have to wait until the last minute, Ben. You could have done so much._  
  
Maybe he could have left earlier. Even if you couldn’t change the past. Even if you couldn’t undo what you had already done, and the best thing you could do was move forward.   
  
Forward. The first thing he had to do was find clothes. Ben doubted that wherever he went, he wanted to go there naked.   
  
After much looking around, Ben found his clothes. He couldn’t help but think of the Jedi Exile, how she’d woken up on Peragus in only a medbay gown. He was almost tempted to start laughing. Almost. He wished that he could feel Rey at that moment. Tell her about it. She probably would have found it funny. Probably. “ _And that, Rey, is how the Exile met her husband..._ ”

He could only imagine that Poe would have found it funny too. He and Poe — what a team they had been, before he’d hurt him. Invaded his mind. Even the fact that Snoke had made him wasn’t an excuse. 

Poe wouldn’t want to see him, he thought even as he dressed. What did he do? Head back to the Republic? He doubted he could. They wouldn’t want to see him. Just because he had defied Palpatine and saved Rey didn’t mean he was finally clean. 

He couldn’t run away either. It was time he headed home. Even if it meant being locked up, inevitably. Even if it meant the worst. 

Kriff his own cowardice, and kriff the Force; Ben Solo was going home. 

***

She’d had to go to Tatooine, of course, to do an informal burial of the lightsabers that Luke and Leia had each owned. To adopt her new name. Rey Skywalker. Considering that Palpatine was also Anakin’s father as well as her grandfather, it was true from a certain point of view. Rey Skywalker. Was she the last of the Skywalkers in the strangest of ways, or the first of the new? 

Now, in the Resistance base, preparing to leave in order to find a new place to build an Academy for Force Sensitives (she didn’t know what she would call it. She knew it wouldn’t be the Jedi Order. She wasn’t going to repeat the mistakes the Jedi did; it would be more), Rey swore she felt something. Something familiar. It wasn’t the Bond she had with Kylo...with Ben. But Ben was here. Heading back from Exegol. 

He lived still. How? She had seen his body vanish before her eyes. When she'd died. It was still a disconcerting experience, dying and then coming back. Finding someone had given everything, just for you.

How did she feel about Ben? She’d kissed him, on Exegol. It had been gratitude, overwhelming joy that he had come that far...though thinking that she had kissed her first cousin was more than a bit odd when she thought about it. There was probably worse, but still...odd. 

Rey rubbed the back of her neck. She had to find him. Get an explanation, and then what? Bring him in? He’d done terrible things, but she didn’t want to be ungrateful. But she couldn’t afford to be selfish either. 

And Poe had the right to know. Someone who’d found Ben important to him, once upon a time. Someone who had a history with Ben. It was bizarre, Rey thought, knowing that in comparison to Poe’s history with Ben, she had barely scratched the surface with him. It was enough to bring up a truly unpleasant sting of jealousy. 

She’d only gotten a fragment of Ben. Poe got just about all of him. 

She walked out of the hangar, where Finn and Poe were waiting for her. Finn was obviously concerned for her, Poe tense. 

”I felt him,” she said, finally. “Finn, Poe...I felt Ben.”


	2. The Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes it off Exegol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Thought I’d update this thing partially because MidgardianNerd read my first chapter and was overwhelmingly enthusiastic about it. So, friends who are following me, I hope chapter two is as good as chapter one. Sorry the update took so long, BTW.

Exegol still had Sith ships. Ben knew that that was his first priority, finding one of them. Dealing with the Snoke clones...well, he supposed he'd get there when he got there. However he dealt with them. It was odd, walking past the tubes and seeing how fragile the clones looked. To think Snoke had struck a sort of fear and awe in him when he’d served him. To think Snoke had also once been seen as shelter. Now, he was just one of many. Born from nothing. Nothing. Just a puppet for a man taken down by his granddaughter.

It was odd seeing the man who had once put him through hell (and even if that hell was just an extension of what Dark Siders did to their students, it only made it worse. A whole cycle of abuse in the name of power) as someone so insignificant in the end. Palpatine too. It was odd also knowing that Luke had given a gift to a man who mostly seemed tossed about by the Force, by other people: freedom. 

He was free, he thought as he got in the cockpit of the Sith ship, a sleek black transport that just seemed alive with the Force. Of course, it made sense. Even the ships on Exegol were alive with the Force. 

Ben could feel how the ship hummed around him as he started up the engines. The Force, around and inside him. It was a disquieting thought, having a ship that was all but alive with the Dark Side. If it was the only way off Exegol, though...

It was at least good he was leaving it all behind. It was time, he thought, to leave everything behind. 

***

Rey should have known that whatever Poe’s reaction was going to be, it was going to be a bad one. At least a mixed one. Still, the way his voice cracked as he said, “That’s not funny, Rey” broke her heart. 

”You think I was just joking?” Rey said. 

Poe’s laugh sounded strained. “You said his body faded away, now you’re saying that he’s back? I know we had our pissing matches in the past, Rey, but I didn’t think that you’d actually try and hurt me.”

”You think I told you that to hurt you?” Rey said disbelievingly. “Poe...I felt it through the Force. I wouldn’t make this up.”

Poe was staring at her. Underneath his anger was something else — a man already terrified to hope. A man who’d had his heart shattered, and the idea of things going right for him...

”I need some time,” he said. Even as he left, Rey turned to look at Finn. 

”He had a right to know,” she said. 

Finn nodded. “He really does love him. Even after what Kylo did.”

Rey nodded. She could picture Poe being drawn in, no doubt — if Ben Solo before his fall was anything like the man who had sacrificed himself on Exegol, it would have probably been easy to love him. To be drawn to him. To know there was good in him like a burning sun. 

To lose him must have been so much worse than the Supremacy. Than watching Kylo crumble into something worse than he was before. It had been easy to get discouraged after Crait. Especially since she had been invested.

Poe needed time. She wondered, absently, what Ben had been like before the night that the Temple had burned to the ground. He had probably been a good man. Still was. 

***

Poe had to get himself together in the fresher in that moment, mostly trying to regain what he had. He was usually good at staying cool under pressure; being in the New Republic Navy and later the Resistance had taught him how to do that. But this revelation, that Ben was back, that Ben was coming home...

There was so much there. Poe had hated him, for what he had done to his mind. When he’d learned that Kylo and Ben were one and the same, it had gotten more complicated. He’d been fortunate, he supposed, not to have faced Kylo personally. It would have been too big. 

And then there was love. Poe had, simply, loved Ben so much he’d been willing to go to Jakku not only for Luke Skywalker, but for Ben. For the idea that Ben was still out there. It felt like his emotions were all but stirred together in a maelstrom that, simply, made no sense. Throw in some jealousy towards Rey, and...yeah. It was safe to say that Poe Dameron was kind of a mess right now. 

Ben seemed to have a talent for that. 

And yet he had saved Rey. Given his life force to heal her — though somehow he was back. Somehow. If that made any sense. Force stuff was weird. Of course, Force stuff had stolen the man he’d loved from him. Kriff Force stuff. 

Footsteps. Poe looked up from where he was currently having a breakdown, and saw Rey. He expected many things, but not her looking at him with concern. “Poe?”

”Yeah. Fine. It’s just...big, that’s all. I mean, I told you my history with him. How I loved him.”

Rey nodded. The way she looked, she looked guilty. Then again, it wasn’t her fault. Poe would just try not to get in the way. 

”It’s just big,” Poe said. “But you know, if he’s happier with you...”

Rey snorted. “Poe, that’s not it at all. I did research. Before I left for Tatooine. There’s actually old records that show Palpatine created Anakin.” She went more serious now. “He impregnated this woman, Shmi Skywalker, without her knowledge or consent. All with the Force. It was like he didn’t care about her autonomy; he just wanted someone to bear his heir. I don’t know how Shmi didn’t break.”

”He raped her?!” Poe said. “That’s kriffed up. I mean, I know it’s the Emperor, but...”

Rey nodded. “At least I can say I avenged her too,” she said. “But considering that Palpatine and I are...related...” She trailed off. It was clear she still felt uneasy about it. 

”He might have been your dad’s dad, but he wasn’t your grandfather. He wasn’t any kind of family,” Poe said. “Honestly, Rey — you’ve redeemed a lot of his sins. So many, actually.”

”Thank you. I needed to hear that.” Rey sighed. “But technically, my father and Anakin are half-brothers. I’m...” She wrinkled her nose. “I didn’t think ‘half-niece’ was a thing that existed, but I suppose I am technically Anakin’s niece. And a first cousin, or half-first cousin if that’s a thing, to Ben.” Another sigh. “The Skywalker family tree is complicated.”

”Obviously,” Poe said. “So...you and he, when you kissed...you kissed your half-first-cousin?”

Rey nodded. “If I’d known, I would have at least not done it. I thought...I thought I cared for him because he was lonely. Because there was so much good in him under all that cruelty. Because in ways, we were alike. Even our grandfathers. But the truth is, I’m just starting to wonder. And us being in a way related does kill things a bit.” A smile. “I say it’s worth having a family, though. More than worth it.”

”You’re always welcome here, Rey,” Poe said. “I mean, you may be a royal pain in my cargo hold, but you're a hero. Through and through.”

”Well, thanks for that!” Rey said, but she was laughing. 

Poe smiled. “I’m glad we met you,” he said. 

”I’m glad I met you,” Rey said. “All of you.”

***

Finn was more than willing to look after the Resistance while Poe and Rey were heading to...well, Force knew where, actually. D’Arcy (who was still a bit uneasy towards Poe after the incident with the mutiny) said, “My question is, Poe...when you bring him in, do you think you can be...objective about him?”

Poe paused. He didn’t miss the implication of what she was saying. That he was too close to Ben to judge him as he deserved. Ben had committed so many crimes, including patricide. Including ordering a village massacred while Poe pleaded with him not to do it. (He supposed he just hoped, just for a moment, there was a flicker of compassion in Kylo) Including killing Tallie, torturing Poe and Rey, mutilating Finn. Nearly killing Leia on the Raddus, though apparently he’d hesitated? (And apparently he had had a moment of not wanting to kill his father. What had made him press that button?) And yet even though Poe should have been feeling smoldering hatred for him, he couldn’t bring himself to. 

D’Arcy continued. “His ultimately standing against the Emperor is admirable, as is his saving Rey. Kylo Ren never would have done that for anyone. But what he’s done can’t be overlooked.”

Poe swallowed. Trying to explain things to D’Arcy was going to be difficult. That was for sure. “I know I can’t quite be objective about the man who was Kylo Ren,” he said. “As someone who found him important to me once.”

D’Arcy didn’t look angry, but full of compassion. Poe couldn’t say he expected that. “Is he still important to you, General Dameron?”

”Yes.” Poe’s voice was quiet as he spoke, subdued. For Ben — long ago, this boy had seen him as a spice runner and still looked at him like he was the light. Long ago, Poe could still remember how his lips and hands had felt in their all-too-short-but-brightly-burning relationship. Long ago, he could remember Ben whispering almost delirious love confessions into Poe’s ear, against his skin, against his hair. Long ago, Ben would have moved the stars for him, Poe was convinced, and Poe had loved Ben just as fiercely. Loved how powerful and beautiful and kind and brave and funny Ben was, and wanted Ben to see what Poe saw.

D’Arcy’s voice was soft. “It may be difficult for you too. To judge him. To give his sentence. It’s unfair to the galaxy, and it’s unfair to you.”

”You’re saying I shouldn’t look for him?” Poe said. 

”I’m saying you don’t have to overlook his trial,” D’Arcy said. “If anything...we have so much to rebuild. After what Hux did, and Snoke, and Ren. The question of what to do with him...”

Rey spoke up. “Ma’am,” she said, “If I could take him in to the Order we’re building...would it be enough?”

D’Arcy was quiet. Rey continued. “I think having to make recompense for what he did is enough. What he actually did, as opposed to what he was framed for.”

”What do you mean?” D’Arcy said. 

”He took the blame for destroying the Temple,” Rey said. “Apparently, according to the records I found, a third party did it. I don’t know if it was one of the Knights, or if it was Snoke or Palpatine, but Ben didn’t set the Temple on fire.” She handed her datapad to D’Arcy. 

D’Arcy stared at it for a long time. Then, “Ben Solo...was framed? Why did he apparently take the blame for it if he was innocent?”

”I think only Ben knows that,” Rey said. “Maybe he wanted to protect Snoke. Or maybe he thought it was his fault.”

Had Leia known? Had Luke known? They couldn’t have. Luke had been unconscious when his Temple had been razed. And on top of everything...

_Stars, what else don’t I know about?_

Poe didn’t want to think about it too hard. How much he didn’t know. And Ben could have gone to him. He didn’t have to join Snoke. He had options. Poe knew he would have taken such good care of Ben. Loved him with all he was. 

”It does cast certain things in a new light,” D’Arcy said. “It doesn’t excuse everything he did, but...”

Poe nodded. “We’ll figure out what to do when we catch up with him.”

Meeting up with Ben again was going to be something Poe wasn’t prepared for. After the Finalizer, it was like they nearly met but never touched. All these circumstances. Maybe it was fortunate, in a way, that he’d never interacted with Kylo until now. And yet it felt like it burned. 

It was probably going to hurt, meeting up with Ben again. Knowing he had come back from wherever the netherworld of the Force was with stars in his eyes. Knowing that Ben had hurt him. Poe would do it anyway. 

***

Rey showing the Resistance — in her way — the way to Exegol came in handy. By the time they got there, though, it seemed like the way to Exegol was mostly a waste of time. Poe supposed he appreciated leaving Exegol behind; he didn’t want to think too hard about things like Snap’s death, or Ben’s — and then Ben’s apparent resurrection. Thinking too hard hurt. Rey rubbed her temples even as she sat in the Falcon’s co-pilot seat. 

”It’s strange,” Rey said. “Feeling the Bond broken. I’ve gotten so used to having it there...”

Poe nodded. “Did he tell you...why he fell? Why he did what he did?”

”You’re probably going to get angry if I tell you.”

”I can deal with angry,” Poe said. 

Rey, hesitantly, told him. And Poe already felt like he’d been stabbed. _He tried to hurt my treasure, my_ Ben...

”He was my mother’s friend. Like my uncle. I...” And somehow it didn’t feel real. Luke Skywalker gave people second chances. He wouldn’t just decide that his own nephew deserved to die just because of a gut feeling. “If he were still alive, I’d kick him in his miserable kriffing stomach for ruining everything.”

Rey swallowed. “He changed his mind,” she said. “And...when I was heading back from Tatooine, I felt a shift in the Force. I don’t know what happened, but Luke might have had something to do with the fact Ben’s alive.”

“So...” There wasn’t anything concrete, of course. There wasn’t anything that suggested that that was the case, aside from just a feeling on Rey’s part. But the idea that Luke would have resurrected Ben just to make things right, to atone for what he did...

It was something that Poe could be grateful for. Even if Luke did kriff things up in the first place. Redemption wasn’t being perfect, Poe supposed. It was just acknowledging when you messed up in the first place and trying to fix it. 

If it was true — and it seemed like a huge “if”, actually — Poe could appreciate him doing it. 

”Exactly,” Rey said. “For all his faults in life, Luke’s been doing better. I know it.” A faint smile. “It’s easy to double down on every bad decision you’ve ever made. It’s harder to apologize.”

”Yeah.” Poe couldn’t help but agree. Then, “It’ll be hard catching up with Ben. Knowing what he did. Bad things and good things alike.”

”It will,” Rey said. Then, “Are you afraid, Poe?”

”Even if I was,” Poe said, “I can face it.”


	3. Dantooine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben builds his new lightsaber, and tells Rey (and Poe) where he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

He wouldn’t have landed on Dantooine if he didn’t need new lightsaber parts. As no doubt a grand gesture as throwing his old lightsaber into the ocean on Kef Bir was, he hadn’t thought through what he needed to do afterwards. In other words, actually get a weapon. 

Truthfully, even as the Sith ship landed on Dantooine, Ben could feel _something_ in his head. Then, _I don’t like this place._  
  
Ben jolted. “You can talk?” he said, disbelievingly. 

_You thought I was just a simple ship? When the Emperor had me made, he wanted ships that were in sync with their pilot’s thoughts. He put his power in me. Though he treated my brothers and sisters like cattle for the slaughter. Your friend did a good thing, killing him._

All at once, Rey was his friend. Ben could live with that. He had felt an odd kinship with her the moment that he had felt her on Takodana, felt her agony and confusion and desire to run from painful memories. And then she’d proven herself to be strong. It made sense that they were a dyad — two that were one. The bond they had was too complex to be called romantic. That Ben knew. Even kissing her had felt odd, like kissing a family member. 

Ben supposed he couldn’t think about it too hard. Then, “She did.” A beat. “I just have some business to attend to. I’ll be back.”

The ship hummed in agreement. She — for the voice Ben had heard was distinctly a woman’s voice — seemed to like him. Then again, he supposed anyone would have been preferable to the Emperor, at least to her. 

He got out and patted the side of the ship. He’d need to name her. He thought of his mother, how she had reached out to him on Kef Bir, though he didn’t know, looking back, if she’d cared about him or if she was trying to trick him long enough for Rey to stab him (even if she had healed him afterwards). There was no way that she didn’t somehow see people like Rey and Poe as replacements for her lost son. He’d felt her lose her faith in him on Crait. She couldn’t have turned around that easy. She couldn’t have still felt something for her son, or anything...

He tried to remember things like her arguing with his father. How scared she’d been. He tried to remember how she hadn’t done anything to fight against Snoke and Palpatine. Like somehow, she didn’t care. And yet he couldn’t help but wonder how accurate these memories had been. How distorted they were through the lens of a scared boy named Ben. 

The best place to start was the Crystal Cave. Of course, according to his late uncle after one of his expeditions, it had been crawling with kinrath. “They’re not nice,” Luke had said, and Ben could only imagine. 

He didn’t have any weapons, credits, anything. Pilfering one of the footlockers and getting a vibroblade (his blaster had been lost when Palpatine had flung him into the pit. It had been fortunate he’d used the Force to slow his fall in time. In a really kriffed up way, he supposed not only had Snoke’s “training” paid off, but he also owed the monster for helping him not be impaled on whatever was below), Ben was grateful that at least he wasn’t going out into the Dantooine plains bare-handed. 

Judging how by the Rodian vendor didn’t even notice, Ben wondered if people stealing things was just another day on Dantooine. 

***

He took the speeder to the Crystal Caves, past the kath hounds, past the kinrath, and he dismounted the speeder just in time to freeze the kinrath and kath hounds in place with the Force. With that out of the way, he headed into the cave. After cutting down kinrath after kinrath, Ben made his way to the antechamber with the crystals. 

Crystals. Even collecting them, Ben wondered what color his lightsaber would be. Not blue, obviously — blue felt like the sort of color that reminded him of when he was Ben Solo, student of Luke Skywalker. That boy was dead and buried. Along with the Academy that had been burned down. 

Ben hadn’t killed anyone at the Academy personally. In a way, he felt like he had good as killed them. Like just being one of the sole survivors of the massacre was proof enough that he was guilty. Like if he had begged prettily enough, the Academy would have been spared. 

And he couldn’t choose red. For obvious reasons. The structure of the lightsaber too...he remembered how he had put the crossguards there, to call the lightsaber his own, to take advantage of the opportunity to find new ways to incapacitate his opponents. (Even FN-2187, as angry as he had been at him...what he had done on the Starkiller planet was something he’d thought was just combat. Now, he wondered if that was still the case) 

He could do purple. A blend of both blue and red. Then again, Ben thought, that would be too on the nose. Too symbolic. Yellow was just a plain disgusting color for a lightsaber. 

Ben supposed that he’d find out when he got to a good place to put his lightsaber together. 

***

The Administrator in charge of Khoonda gave him an odd look, almost like she was thinking she’d seen him from somewhere but couldn’t place him, but let him use the workbench. “Though after everything that’s happened to the Jedi, I don’t know why you’d want to be one,” she said. 

"I...” Truthfully, Ben didn’t feel worthy of being a Jedi. One selfless act for one girl didn’t undo all he’d done. “I suppose I am what I want to be. Not a Jedi. Just something more.”

The Administrator nodded. “If you say so,” she said. “Why the lightsaber then?”

Ben shrugged. “Who said lightsabers had to be exclusive to Jedi or Sith?”

After the Administrator let him retire to the workbench, Ben gathered his bag of parts, including the mandatory other lightsaber parts that he had found looking around Khoonda. (He’d thought he’d heard someone mutter, “Tell me some son of a murglak isn’t raiding the footlockers again”, so apparently he wasn’t the first. Or likely the last) And then there were the other lightsaber crystals, where he was wondering if he should go with the likely symbolic color, or the color that just looked cool. 

(He knew that making crossguards was something he wasn’t doing again. It reminded him too much of Kylo. Of memories he’d had under Snoke, under Palpatine)

He could go with green. That would work. It would be a good tribute to the man who had given him a second chance at life. It symbolized life and renewal — that was a bonus. And it looked pretty, at least. Still, even that...he thought of a green blade being ignited over him. How Palpatine had nearly ruined everything. (And for what, exactly? Petty revenge for something that was completely his fault?)

An idea struck him. There was a silver crystal that he’d found in the Crystal Cave. That could work, as a sort of symbol of who he was now. Silver for healing. As someone trying to atone, as well as put himself back together, it was fitting enough. 

Even putting the blade together and igniting it, Ben took a while to admire the silver blade. He’d made so many mistakes in the past, done so many bad things, but now — now he could forge his own path. Now he could make things better, as he should have from the start. 

He deactivated the saber. The single shimmering blade was perfect. As for the crystals, he could keep them. Or sell them. Either option worked. 

He hooked it to his belt...and that was when he swore he felt something. A familiar presence. Two. Rey’s was clearly stretching out, not really trying to touch him, and Poe was just hovering on the edge. He could feel them, Rey curious, Poe a maelstrom of emotions. 

To think that he had wanted to see Poe happy. To think that he had wanted Poe to heal after his experiences with the Spice Runners, to see that spark of laughter in his eyes, to see him smile. 

To think that he had shattered Poe’s mind like that. To think that he was the source of trouble in Poe’s life, when all he wanted was the opposite. To make him happy. 

It was time, at least, that he owned up to what he did. Not only killing and torturing and conquering, but ruining so many lives. Including Poe’s. 

He reached out, brushed against Rey’s presence, sending out five simple words in that moment: _I’m here. Take me home._


	4. Backward Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben arrives at the Resistance Base, and Poe’s a dumbass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Adding — possibly? — two more chapters because I have therapy tomorrow. Warning for threats of violence on Zorii’s part (though she does think she’s protecting Poe. She’s not just being awful).

Picking him up from Dantooine was a case of having to meet them at the rendez-vous point, the last Resistance base. Where they were establishing a temporary base before starting on the more permanent measure of restoring the Republic. Ben didn’t know how long that would last; there would be another Hux. That he knew. Someone else who would destroy the Republic in one stroke. 

Kylo Ren was a Knight of Ren and later Supreme Leader of the First Order, but in his heart, he was also the son of Leia Organa. Leia had been a survivor of the cataclysm that destroyed Alderaan. Little Ben hadn’t known why someone would destroy a planet full of people. Older Ben, the man who’d died, knew that when people hated enough, when people wanted to destroy their enemies enough, were fully believing in how righteous and justified they were...those people were willing to do just about anything. 

Stars willing, he had objected. He’d been overruled, Hux making sneering insinuations that he was too soft, a Resistance sympathizer. (Which made the fact he’d fed intel to the Resistance actually quite funny. Hux was a hypocrite...even if he’d perhaps done the only good thing in his miserable thirty-five years)

He could hope, even as he looked out at the blue vortex that was hyperspace, that this time it would stick. That there wouldn’t be another Hosnia Prime. Another Alderaan. Another Kijimi. He hadn’t had anything to do with Hosnia or Kijimi, but he hadn’t fought hard enough for them either. 

He’d thought about making a better galaxy to give to Poe. Now, he wondered if Poe would even have wanted it. 

_You mourn_ , the ship said. 

Ben supposed there was no use hiding from his unusual new friend. “I do,” he said. 

_You believe the Republic will be better? It is like a pupil who refuses to learn the errors of their ways, who refuses to understand. A pupil who others invest so much into, and yet they do not learn. Perhaps it’s for the best that the Republic not stand again.  
_

”Harsh,” Ben said. “At least as a source of stability...we can remake it. The Republic in the past had bad leaders. In one case, it had a Sith Lord at the helm. We can find someone better. Someone wise.” His lips twisted bitterly. “Just not me. I think I’ve done enough damage.” It wasn’t like he hadn’t at least tried to make reforms to the First Order. The stormtrooper program, for example. In addition, sending out medical care and other essentials to worlds that supported the First Order. Even when Palpatine had given him the promise of becoming Emperor of the galaxy, he had pictured Poe as his consort, Rey as his apprentice, both of them assisting him in making the galaxy stabler and more secure. To make the screaming stop. To help it. There had always been a part of Kylo Ren that was still Ben Solo. Who could still feel the galaxy screaming in his head. Inside. 

_The pilot. You feel something for him, don’t you?_

”I haven’t seen him since the _Finalizer_.” Ben sighed as he spoke. “I don’t think there’s a good way to say that I’m sorry I tortured him. I don’t think that’s good enough, actually. I wanted to be the cause of everything happy in his life.”

_I doubt that’s possible.  
_

_“_ It should have been. I should have given him the galaxy, if I could have.” Rey...he had felt a kinship with her. He knew that much. And she had had such a belief in him. In Ben Solo. Such a fire. But Poe...in the end, he loved Poe still. Like fire. Like pure light. He knew full well from the start he’d do anything for Poe, and that, perhaps, made it worse. Knowing he’d failed. 

_Your grandfather loved your grandmother the same way. Fiercely, without hesitation_. 

Ben had heard the stories. And hearing them, he’d started to feel compassion for Vader that became fascination. A hunger for information about a grandfather he never knew. He’d wanted to be like Vader — someone strong, someone tall, someone certain in their purpose as opposed to a stormy sea tossed left and right. Someone certain...though even Vader had been conflicted, hadn’t he? About his son. About Uncle Luke. 

”Then the _Finalizer_ was my Mustafar,” Ben said. "I’d used my telepathic powers as a weapon before. Just not against someone I knew.” A beat. “There’s so much I want to tell Poe.” Rey had replied to him with a request to meet them at the last Resistance Base. He hadn’t seen either of them — he hadn’t seen Rey since Exegol, or Poe since the _Finalizer_. To think that they had come close but hadn’t touched.

He would see Poe again. 

***  
  
Landing where he did, Ben could see the Resistance base for the first time. He was struck by how sunny it was, how clear. How blue the skies were, how the trees seemed to stretch up into forever. He was also aware, in that moment, that he was all but walking into a zone full of people who despised him. And for good reason, he thought. There were probably survivors of the things he had done, things that had seemed justified in his head and by the circumstances. Kill the villagers at Tuanul because they were sheltering an enemy of the First Order. Kill whoever you needed to. Hurt whoever you needed to. Now, though, he wondered if any of it had ever been justified, or if he had just made up those rationalizations, believed them, just to feel better. 

Rey was the first to greet him. “Ben,” she said, “I don’t understand. I saw your body fade...”

”It...” And how was Ben even supposed to explain any of this? That Luke had given him a second chance? “When I gave you my life force,” Ben said, “My uncle gave me a second chance. Revived me.”

”He did that for you?” Rey looked amazed. 

”I didn’t expect it either,” Ben said. 

”About what he did to you, or nearly did...”

Ben bit his lip. He hadn’t had time to think about it. “It wasn’t his fault,” he said. “It was Palpatine. He tried to mind control my uncle into killing me. In a way, he’s good as a victim as I was. Palpatine doesn’t see people, Rey. He sees dejarik pieces. He doesn’t care who gets crushed, as long as it serves his own ends. He told a lot of lies, and the architecture’s still difficult to see.”

”I know,” Rey said. “I’m...coming to terms with being his granddaughter. At least. Though he’s no family to me. He’s a monster who shares DNA with me, but your mother and uncle were more family to me than he ever was. And your father.” A beat. “Ben, about Exegol...I think I kissed a family member.”

”Uncle Luke didn’t have any children,” Ben said. ”And my father — well, he had an old flame named Qi’ra but...”

”No,” Rey said. “My grandfather created your grandfather with the Force. Without your great-grandmother’s consent.” Her voice was grim as she said it.

”The beast.”

Rey nodded. “My father and your grandfather are half-brothers. I’m at least Anakin’s half-niece and your half-first-cousin...if there is such a thing.”

”So in the weirdest way, we are related.” Ben paused. “That...does make Exegol rather awkward.” 

”Yeah. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

”It’s okay.” A beat. “Rey...if we had met in a different way, we could have been friends. Good friends at that.”

”No reason we can’t be, now.” 

”Where’s Poe?” 

As if on cue, Ben heard Poe’s voice. “...for kriff’s sake, I don’t need bodyguards,” the Resistance General was grumbling. “I can handle myself. I’m not...some guy in distress.”

”Whatever you say, Spice Runner,” a filtered female voice said. A beat. “This that Ben kid you were so worried about before you ran back to Yavin?”

”Ask me again another time, Zorii,” Poe said, softly. 

”Zorii Bliss,” Ben said. He had heard about her, from Poe. Imagine a former partner of Poe’s in the Resistance. 

Rey nodded. 

Poe emerged. Ben wasn’t prepared to see him, dressed more like a General than a Resistance pilot, beautiful and almost untouchable. And the way Poe looked — he looked like he wasn’t prepared to see Ben again. 

Ben already knew the feeling. 

***  
It was in the base proper that Zorii swept a dagger up to Ben’s neck. “You know,” she said, “I heard about what you did to Poe. Same thing you did to all your prisoners.”

”I regret it,” Ben said. 

Zorii laughed sarcastically. “And that just magically absolves you, doesn’t it? Maybe your friend thinks you’ve changed, but after all you’ve done, I don’t buy it. I’m gonna make this clear, Supreme Idiot or Darth Tantrum or whatever you call yourself now: if you hurt Poe again, I’m gonna make your death slow and painful. If you so much as break his heart again, I’ll chop you into pieces and set them on fire. And then we’ll see if your uncle can resurrect you after that." 

Ben sighed. “Noted.” _Though I doubt you can do worse to me than I can do to myself... “_ Kylo Ren is dead, though. You can be assured of that.”

”You’ll have to prove it.”

She was right, Ben thought even as Zorii walked away. He’d proved that he was capable of good on Exegol when he’d ultimately revived Rey. Now he had to prove he was devoted to, at least...well, pulling a Revan. That was the best way to put it. You did bad things, and you had to do things to balance the scales. 

The other Resistance members were whispering amongst themselves. Wondering how Leia Organa and Han Solo had produced a murderer. Or, conversely, where Han and Leia had screwed up. Mostly they kept a wide berth from him. 

Ben supposed it was deserved. After all, he could catch snippets from their heads, of a beast masked and hooded, leaving ruin and corpses in his wake. The lives he’d taken in the name of the First Order. 

Too many. What had Saul Karath said? “In war, even the innocent must die.” Framing himself as making hard choices to justify his destruction of the planet Telos. Kylo Ren had killed innocents, and Ben Solo had to live with the fact he’d done it. Two facets of one person.

He couldn’t linger. When Threepio and Poe showed him to his room, he didn’t refuse. 

***

Ben didn’t know when things had descended into a war zone. It had started with Poe snapping at Threepio in a way that was almost uncharacteristic of him, and Ben...something had been so off about the man who had once been caring and loving enough for Ben to fall for him, and Ben found himself speaking up. 

”What the stang is wrong with you?” Ben said. “The Poe I knew wouldn’t treat anyone like that, droid or no.”

Poe snorted. “The Poe you knew died during the war. Fighting against you. While I’m at it, the Ben I knew wouldn’t hurt a gizka, but apparently me finding someone irritating is somehow more important than you trying to break his brain.”

Threepio muttered a vague excuse about needing to see to Artoo before shuffling away, leaving the two men alone outside Ben’s new quarters. 

”I didn’t want to do it,” Ben said.

”Then you could have left. You might have called Finn a traitor, but at least he had a spine. I mean...yeah, in the beginning, a lot of stuff you had was out of your control. What your uncle did, what Snoke and Palpatine did. But you didn’t have to do the rest. You didn’t have to kill anyone. Torture anyone. Maim anyone.”

”I didn’t,” Ben said. “But I wonder how many you killed and still act self-righteous about.”

”Everything I did was to win the war,” Poe said.

”Same here,” Ben said. 

“Well, that just makes it better,” Poe said sarcastically. “Kylo Ren, destroyer of worlds, but at least he did it to win the war.”

“I would have given you the galaxy if you let me.” Ben said.

“I didn’t want the galaxy. I wanted...” Poe trailed off, almost like he was afraid he’d said too much. 

”I’m going to bed,” Ben said, and before Poe could respond, he walked away to his quarters, closed and locked the door, and flopped down on the bed. He was tired in that moment — very tired. 

And Poe...had he good as made Poe who he was?

Leaving him behind. Not like Ben had a choice. But the _Finalizer_...even though Snoke had ordered him to do it, could Kylo Ren have resisted? Even turned his back on the First Order earlier? 

Why had he been such a coward?

Ben buried his face in the pillow he owned and he didn’t know what he had in mind. Right now, he supposed, after this kriffed up day he’d had, after everything...he just needed to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this chapter took a right turn into Poe’s A Dumbass-ville. (Maybe Ben isn’t any better. Who knows?) Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this last bit; it just happened, and yet I really did want someone to call out Poe on his douchey behavior in TROS. (I mean, say what you will about TLJ Poe, but he had empathy) The guy who, for example, would treat Threepio like less than bantha poodoo is certainly *not* Poe. (Finn too. It’s why I can’t jump on the Stormpilot train. TFA and TLJ? Maybe. TROS? Poe treats Finn so poorly that it’s hard to believe this is the same guy who was the first to treat Finn like a person after Finn escaped the First Order)


	5. Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn gives Poe a The Reason You Suck Speech, which leads Poe to at least start making amends for being a jerk while starting the rebuilding of the Republic. Meanwhile, Ben begins his (non-Dark Side at most) training.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for mentions of past abuse by Snoke and Palpatine.

_The prison cell that Ben had been thrown into, opposite Lor San Tekka and Luke Skywalker, wasn’t built for comfort. He had a feeling, at least. Even straining his back to a straighter position, he couldn’t help but wonder if the Knights would kill them, or if there was something else in mind. At least if the Knights had killing in mind, Ben could think of a good defiant last word. Even if eighteen was a hell of an age to die.  
_

_Footsteps. Even hearing them echo through the hall, Ben doubted that they had ever sounded more menacing. Heavier, actually. And then there was the figure itself. Tall, broad-shouldered, with horrifying burn scars on his flesh, and a mask that should have had some semblance of a face, but didn’t.  
_

_Ben went rigid. Somehow, he thought, he could almost feel his breath catch in his throat. No one could be so badly burned and survive. No one could.  
_

_No one could certainly be standing before Ben like it didn’t matter.  
_

_”Your fear,” the figure said. “I can feel it. Does my appearance frighten you, Ben?”_

_”How do you know my name?”_

_”I know a lot.” The figure’s voice was tinny and odd, almost muffled. "The Supreme Leader speaks of you. Of your balance between the Light and the Shadow. Your power.”_

_”So you’re the leader of the Knights of Ren,” Tekka said. “What is your name?”_

_A wry, almost metallic chuckle. “In the words of the late great Darth Revan, who I am is not important, friend. My message is. Besides, you and Master Skywalker are an insignificant part of this anyway. Your disciple...”_

_”I won’t let you hurt him,” Uncle Luke said._

_“Like a nexu protecting her young,” said the figure. “I won’t hurt him. Hurting him is the last thing I would want. You’re hurting him more than I ever could.” A beat. “A mother who gave up her son, hoping that his training would go better than hers. A painful truth, isn’t it, Ben?”_

_”Don’t talk about my mother like that,” Ben said. How did he know about Ben’s mother anyway? ”You actually got a name, or just a mouth on you?”_

_”I am called Ren,” said the figure. “Though it is not my name. Ren is an identity, a concept that guides us and protects us. I prefer to think of myself as a leader and a teacher to my Knights.”_

_”So you have a title,” Ben said sarcastically. “Brilliant.”_

_”Sit a while, friends...”_

Ben woke, face pressed into his pillow, realizing that he had flashed back to Ren, the leader of the Knights. He hadn’t quite thought of Ren in years; he hadn’t had time to. But Ren had been the Dark Side luring him in with promises of freedom and belonging, Poe had been the Light Side holding him back. Ren, the man who treated the lightsaber like a religion in and of itself. 

In a way, he had been so much like Ren, the way he sought to turn Rey to his side. Likely without the persuasiveness, the charisma. But the idea that he had become like Ren...

Ben forced himself to turn over and open his eyes. Kriff, but he was exhausted. So kriffing tired. As tempting as it was, though, he couldn’t just bury himself in bed and just hope the galaxy ignored him. 

Best he could do was ignore Poe. Poe was just an idiot anyway —

_And he wasn’t always like this. He was a good person, a kind person. He wasn’t made to be someone who treated protocol droids like nothing._

And it wasn’t like Ben was off the hook. It wasn’t like he could be self-righteous considering he had hurt Poe. Maybe Poe was right to hate him. Maybe Poe had shown a great deal of self-restraint by not punching him. 

Maybe he could avoid Poe, if that was what Poe wanted...but that was the coward’s way out. Neither Ben nor Kylo had ever been a coward. 

_Facing down Palpatine and the Knights of Ren is somehow easier than apologizing to Poe._ Ben supposed somehow the Emperor was less terrifying than the idea of Poe deciding they were past sorry. 

_He’d never accept you. He doesn’t want you. Bastard was probably comfortable as your mother’s favorite too and can’t cope with the idea you’re back..._

Okay, now his worries were getting petty and ridiculous. Even if his mother hated him and just wanted to trick him long enough for Rey to kill him on Kef Bir, and Poe had become enough of a petty schutta while Ben was Kylo for that to happen...wouldn’t being the better man be at least a step?

Ben sighed in frustration. He almost wished he had that fragment of his father still in his head. It had been at least a step in the right direction on Kef Bir. 

”Can’t afford to be lazy redeeming myself,” he muttered. “Or a coward.”

Getting dressed in Resistance fatigues, Ben was at least grateful for uniforms that didn’t come in that offensive orange color. Maybe that was their goal; once the First Order got a good look at them, there was no way their reaction wouldn’t be “stars, our eyes!” 

He supposed that off-white color at least was preferable to orange. Even if he wasn’t sure if off-white was really for him. It felt like a remnant of Ben Solo the Padawan, the boy who hadn’t died and come back to life. 

The boy who had been, comparatively, innocent. The best Ben could hope for was that no other youngling had to be selected as he was. At least there, there was hope. 

Even dressing and heading down, he overheard FN-2187’s voice (mellow and almost calming) talking, clearly trying to keep his composure. “I don’t know what’s happened to you, Poe. You were reckless when we got off the Finalizer, but at least you didn’t misplace your empathy.”

”You think I should just forget everything Ben did?” Poe’s voice, clearly frustrated. 

“I’m talking about Threepio. While I’m at it, you’ve been treating just about everyone like poodoo and expecting us to just take it. I can forgive you for the Holdo incident at least because you thought you were helping,” FN-2187 said, “But you’ve been being insufferable ever since.” A beat. “What about Kijimi? The Poe I knew wouldn’t just listen while stormtroopers dragged away civilians. I can remember Tuanul. I heard you. Pleading for Ren not to kill these people.”

”Don’t. Just don’t.” The way Poe sounded, it was like he was about to fall apart. “You think I should have politely asked the stormtroopers to stop?”

”I expected you to at least do something!” FN-2187 said. “I already told you you weren’t Leia. When we were on Kef Bir.”

”You’re treading on thin ice, General.”

”I’m not buying this ‘new and improved’ Poe. You’re not Leia. You’re nothing like the man who called me ‘Finn’.” So Poe had come up with FN-2187’s new name. Interesting. It would be further interesting if FN-2187 didn’t sound so disgusted and disappointed somehow. "You were my first friend when I got off the Finalizer. Even people like Slip were acquaintances, comrades. But you saw things in me that I didn’t know existed. You were a good man once, Poe.” A beat. “Come find me when you’re that good man again."

FN-2187 looked away, though not before looking back at Poe, clearly still disappointed. Ben couldn’t say he blamed him. Between Kijimi, Threepio, and generally seeming to treat others as less than him...

Had Ben contributed to making him that way? It wasn’t like he’d completely reprogrammed Poe’s mind when he’d interrogated him. But still...

Judging by how quickly Poe sat at the leaders’ table later in the mess hall, as far across from FN-2187 as possible, judging by the death glares Poe seemed to be shooting in Ben’s direction like somehow the mess was Ben’s fault (it wasn’t like Ben had mind-tricked FN-2187); it sounded like approaching him was a bad idea. 

”Is everything all right with Poe and Finn?” Rey said even as Ben sat with her. 

”FN-2187 — ”

”Finn,” Rey corrected. 

”Fine. Finn,” and even that name felt like a name Ben Solo had no right to say, “And Poe are having...problems. I suppose I’m not the only one who’s noticed how he’s been acting.”

Rey sighed. “He’s not all bad,” she said. “He was kind to me, at least, about the Emperor.”

Ben snorted. “Sounds like he only thinks kindness is for those who deserve it. Not droids, certainly.” _Or civilians on Kijimi_. The real Poe would have done something, at least. 

”Well, he has been moody recently — ”

”If by ‘moody’ you mean someone who seems to have had his empathy surgically removed...”

”First off, you can’t do that, and second off, he’s not...” Rey trailed off. Apparently she was at least considering Ben’s point. 

“He’s nothing like the man I knew. Even the man who was my prisoner at least cared about others. I thought I could apologize to him, Rey. I still will when he’s not going to throw a plate at me...but it’s only because it’s the right thing to do. I certainly don’t like him. The new him. As a person.”

”He loved you,” Rey said, soft enough so others couldn’t ask questions. 

”Long ago.” 

Even picking at his porridge, Ben could swear he felt Poe’s wounded anger all but broadcasting through the Force. It made him at least feel slightly sorry — not only had he made things worse, but he had never spoken about Poe with an intent to hurt him. That had been unsettling; what FN-2187 had accidentally revealed in his spiel to Poe had spurred on Ben’s disgust towards his former lover...but it wasn’t like Ben was any better, was he? There were certain things he hadn’t liked and was still passive for. 

_At least I never called myself good while being passive..._

But did it really make things better when he’d still been passive? 

Either way, he supposed that he would apologize to Poe when it was safe to approach him. When Poe wasn’t about to explode at him too. 

***

Damn Finn. 

Long after breakfast had finished, Poe already felt like a headache was building in his temples. He’d had his reasons for not doing anything on Kijimi to help the people the First Order was harassing. He’d been trying to get to Babu Frik in order to get Threepio’s memory cracked open. So it would have gotten the likes of the droid rights lobbyists riled up. They had to win the war somehow. Stop Palpatine. It wasn’t like war was easy work.

And yet he couldn’t help but think of the pleas for mercy from that one woman whose house the First Order raided. He couldn’t help but think of how Threepio had called Poe, Finn and Rey his friends, even though...stars, Threepio needed better friends. Poe had mostly been ragging on Threepio because the meticulous protocol droid would give anyone a headache. And somehow Ben had sounded disappointed in him, like he expected better. 

Ben was just a hypocrite. And yet, Poe couldn’t help but think of a boy, later a young man, who had believed in him even when Poe was doing shady things. Poe could remember his strained words to Ben one night when he was twenty-one and he loved Ben so much that he would have fought Ben’s monsters himself. “ _Sweetheart, I’m not all Light. I’m not all good. What you’re saying...it’s not me_.”

Ben had thought of him as akin to an angel. This Ben...well, this Ben was disappointed in him. And kriff, but his words had cut. Cut like blades. Ben wouldn’t see him as anything more than a pale imitation of the “proper” Poe, even though Poe was still right here. 

And having that judgment from someone who nearly destroyed his mind...

 _He’s nothing to me._ And yet somehow, Poe didn’t believe it. Didn’t believe that somehow, Ben meant nothing to him. He could still remember that boy he’d grown up with. The boy who he’d kept in touch with even when he’d run away from home for some stupid reason that even he couldn’t figure out. 

He sighed. At least he could get the Republic back together after Hux had blown it to hell. There were probably datapads of information he had. Problem was, who was going to be Chancellor? Him? He didn’t have any political experience. He sure hadn’t been impressive as a leader, mostly hanging back to let Leia lead. Being a pilot he could do. But Leia...she’d handed him a position of leadership he wasn’t prepared for. She hadn’t so much as asked if he was okay with it. She’d thrust it on him. She'd simply assumed that he was ready, even though he had no political experience before. 

Holdo had been right about him, in a way. _You’re impulsive, reckless, and the last thing we need right now_.

Still, he supposed, it didn’t have to be permanent, did it? He could at least try and work on it. 

Poe got up from the mess hall table. Right now, they had a Republic to rebuild. 

***

“You look tired, General.”

Lando sounded good-natured, but Poe could tell that he was also worried. 

”Yeah. I guess. Finn’s mad at me...not that I don’t deserve it.” Poe sighed as he spoke. “I’ve been a schutta lately, and I don’t have a good excuse for it. No idea why people are still putting up with me.”

”I’m sure even a saint would crack under pressure,” Lando said. 

”I kind of kriffed up with Holdo — ”

”It wasn’t like she was blameless,” Lando said. “I’m sure she did the best she could, but in my experience, a good leader, a great leader actually, inspires confidence in their people. A great leader communicates. And maybe she didn’t have to tell you, but she had to tell someone.”

”I got her whole bombing fleet killed off.”

”They volunteered,” Lando said. “Paige Tico...she knew what she was getting into. She sacrificed herself to take out that dreadnaught. The last war against the Emperor sure as hell didn’t run smooth. I definitely did my share of things I regret.”

”It wasn’t your fault,” Poe said. He knew Lando was still thinking about Bespin. About when Vader had taken control of the city to get to Luke. 

”Yeah. Doing what I had to — I’m sure everyone fighting in a war has those moments. Ben...” The way Lando sounded, he sounded torn between disgust and genuine sadness. “Well, from the stories he shared, apparently Jedi had their share of those things too.”

”I’m sorry about Ben,” Poe said. 

Lando sighed. “When Leia told me, I swore I felt the life go out of me. I met Vader, yes, but I just saw him as a monster. It’s something else to see the kid who called you Unca Wanwo and who you patched up when he skinned his knee become like that.” A beat. “He’s nothing like the kid I knew. I never thought he’d hurt you, or kill his dad.”

Poe swallowed, nodded. “I’m sorry for you,” he said. 

”Not your fault. It was his — Palpatine’s and Snoke’s too, to an extent. I guess I can’t be too angry. I never killed anyone who wasn’t trying to kill me first, but I did betray Han and Leia. At the time, I thought that I couldn’t...Vader threatened to kill everyone on Bespin if I didn’t comply. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.” Then, “I just didn’t think Ben Solo would become like Vader.”

”Neither did I.” Poe sighed. “But it’s no excuse for how I treated Threepio. How I treated Finn. How I treated Rey, at times. I didn’t have to be awful to them.”

”You could just apologize,” Lando said. 

”Good place to start.”

***

Apologizing to Threepio was the easiest, actually. The golden protocol droid, for all his tendencies to panic in the face of danger and his bickering with Artoo, was ridiculously good-natured. “Why, Master Poe,” he said, “There’s no need to apologize. Maker, I’ve heard worse from Captain Solo, may he rest peacefully...”

”Still,” Poe said, “It’s not me. This sort of treatment. I mean, being cruel to others, let alone droids...it’s not who I am. It’s not how I roll. I guess the war wore me down, not that it’s an excuse.” As sweet-natured as Threepio was fundamentally, Poe didn’t feel comfortable telling him everything about how realizing Ben and Kylo were the same person had made him feel sick, though he did a good job hiding it on Crait. Not to mention everything else. “Finn kind of tore me a new one. I don’t blame him.”

”Dear, oh dear,” Threepio said. “That’s a pity. You and Master Finn seemed to get on quite well.”

”Yeah, well, I haven’t been treating him well either.” Somehow, the Resistance hadn’t just gone “kriff this, Dameron’s on his own” even when Poe pushed them away. “I’ll...try and work on it. If I slip up, it’s not you, Threepio. Or anyone. General Dameron’s had a bit of a personality malfunction and needs to go to maintenance.”

”An unusual metaphor, sir, but all right.”

”I’m glad we had this talk,” Poe said. “Guess we should get down to business. Try and put the Republic back together...though I don’t know where to start. How the kriff do we build a government from this?”

”Why, Master Poe, to quote the late General Organa, we have everything we need.”

Poe looked around, at everyone mingling — to begin with, so many of the people who Lando had brought from the Unknown Regions. People who had finally come to the Resistance’s aid after so long. Then there were the existing Resistance members...and Ben. 

Poe turned back to Threepio. It was easier than acknowledging the former Supreme Leader whose love for him had become hatred. “We do,” he said. “We do.”

***

Training wasn’t easy. Ben knew that. The best way he could describe it was like trying to relearn a skill that had good as atrophied over the years. He could remember meditating over the years, how as a Padawan it wasn’t easy when it felt like the sounds of the universe were in his head, in his body. Later, he’d meditated through drawing on his rage — after killing Snoke, it was like the rage was simply set loose. There were too many things to be angry at. His parents, for being scared of him. Snoke (and later Palpatine) for not giving him much room to choose. Luke, for nearly killing him (even though there was no way Kylo had known the truth). Rey, for turning her back on him. The fact he’d had to leave Poe. 

Anger was easy. Anger usually kept the uncertainty he felt at bay. Ben didn’t know what to do with not being angry all the time. Anger, hatred — he could deal with that. Everything else calmer than that, he couldn’t. 

Which was why currently meditation wasn’t quite helping. 

”You’re restless,” Rey commented. 

”Guess I am,” Ben said. He opened his eyes, sighed. “I always hated this part.”

”Did you?” Rey said. 

”I did. Everything felt odd — like the sounds of the universe were too loud.”

”Because of the Emperor?” 

A nod. “I suppose. He was with me...as long as I can remember. I thought he was pretend. He wasn’t obvious; he had a talent for shifting voices in my head. I can remember him being charming, no doubt when it served his purposes.”

Rey nodded. “It sounds like him. I’ve been getting memories back...of my father. And my mother.”

”The ones who sold you.” Now that Ben thought about it, even if Rey’s parents weren’t intentionally malicious, they hadn’t made the wisest decision for their child. Jakku wasn’t a place where you sent a child to be raised. Maybe Trias Palpatine, Rey’s father, had thought anywhere was better than with the Emperor, but still. 

Rey nodded. "It wasn’t all bad. With them. It wasn’t completely good — the Emperor was abusive towards my father in the name of ‘training’ him, and even after my father managed to leave...he’d wake up in these cold sweats. I didn’t understand why as a girl. I didn’t know who’d want to hurt my father.” 

”Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be considered unusual in training Dark Siders,” Ben said. “Snoke...” Even remembering Snoke’s various cruelties, the extreme things he did in the name of making Kylo Ren “stronger”, Ben couldn’t finish. 

”He did that to you too?” Rey said. 

Ben nodded. “I actually promised myself that if you ever became my apprentice, I would never treat you that way. But yes, I’d say that a lot of Dark Siders were cruel in training their students. I suppose they justified it as the cruelty making them stronger, but it’s really just a justification for abuse, and a whole cycle of it. It keeps going on, throughout the centuries, with different circumstances and different names. And the same with Light Side vs. Dark Side. It just repeats itself.” Even saying it out loud...had he ever said it before? He didn’t think so. 

Rey nodded. “I can’t promise you that evil will die out,” she said. “But we’re going to take steps to break that cycle of abuse. On the Jedi’s side, and the Sith’s.” A beat. “And even throughout the galaxy. I’ve been thinking of proposing...changes to Jakku. Freeing the scavengers. I’m not a Senator, but I can try.”

”Do or do not,” Ben said lightly. “There is no try.”

Rey looked delighted. “Did you make a joke?”

”Don’t tell anyone,” Ben said, semi-lightly. “I have a reputation to uphold.”

Rey smiled. “Maybe you don’t have to,” she said. "I think your Supreme Leader days are behind you.”

”I know. I guess...I don’t know what I’ll do if they actually like me.” A beat. “I doubt they accept me. I can feel them. Their confusion. Their fear.”

”Well,” Rey said, “I accept you. I saw glimpses of Ben Solo on Ach-To and I already like what I saw. Now that I see more of him...I like what I see. I’m glad he’s my family, in the most roundabout sense of the word.”

Ben swallowed. “I’m glad you’re my family too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say, there’s not gonna be any Reylo in this story. (Sorry to disappoint anyone) The relationship between Rey and Ben is strictly friendship, no more, no less. Also, I included the idea of Rey doing something to make life on Jakku better because I always pictured her doing it and it bugged me that TROS didn’t tie that up. It’s like what people complained about in the epilogue of Deathly Hallows, among other things — nothing’s really seemed to change to make the Wizarding World better. 
> 
> Unfortunately, I really doubt that Kylo’s training by Snoke is really out of the ordinary — between stuff like Palpatine and Vader and what’s implied in KOTOR II between Sion and Traya (and shown too; she actually Force Chokes him at one point. Traya may be more “gray” than other Sith Lords, but it doesn’t mean she’s nice), I have a feeling that Dark Siders aren’t very kind to their students. I have a feeling that most Dark Siders would look at stuff like what was shown in the Snoke comic and go, “Eh, must be Tuesday.” Which says volumes as to how fucked up the Dark Side is (among other things).


	6. Forward Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Ben take the first steps to reconciliation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for canonical torture. 
> 
> I also figured I’d add something to this chapter because it was pointed out that basically Ben judged Poe too harshly in the previous chapter. I just hope it works.

_Poe hadn’t seen his face. Kylo supposed that he should be grateful for that, all things considered. Snoke would be irritated at best that he was obsessed with wearing the mask, but Kylo found the mask comforting in how it concealed his face, kept him sealed away from the outside galaxy. At least no one would be able to see the insecure, conflicted man underneath. The man who confided to the ruins of his grandfather’s mask when that feeling of the Light eating him from the inside became too much to bear._

_Besides, it would break Poe’s heart to see his lover all but...this. Kylo hesitated to call himself a monster, but he knew that it was the truth. The monster the Resistance would kill without regret. Without hesitation. The way Poe looked at him, so disgusted with him and angry...Kylo couldn’t say he blamed him.  
_

_But the villagers...they had been good as complicit, hadn’t they?  
_

_General Hux strode towards Kylo. Kylo already hated him; Hux was nothing but a sniveling, conniving sycophant and a covert traitor to the First Order that Kylo, unfortunately, couldn’t arrange an accident for considering that Snoke inexplicably favored Hux. (Kylo envied Hux. Snoke’s appreciation for Kylo seemed to depend on which way the wind blew)_

_“So this is the terrorist?” Hux sneered. “I expected someone taller. Certainly more impressive."_

_”Did you come here to insult him?” Kylo said. Unfortunately, he couldn’t Force Choke Hux either. He could imagine Force Choking Hux, at least. ”If so, you can return to your bridge. I’ll call you, General, when you’re not wasting my time.”_

_Hux narrowed his eyes. “I believe both our orders from Supreme Leader Snoke were explicit,” he said. “Get information out of the terrorist by any means necessary.”_

_Kylo could all but feel Poe tensing in fury, seeming like he wanted to say something, or even snap out of the stun cuffs and snap Hux’s neck. And more than that, he couldn’t help but feel a certain dread. He knew what getting information out of Poe Dameron entailed. He’d gotten used to the processes, but it didn’t mean he took pleasure in them. Others would, but not he.  
_

_”What must we do to him?” Kylo said.  
_

_”You ask now?” Hux said. “You never hesitated before.”_

_That was true. The first time Kylo had interrogated a prisoner, he had thrown up afterwards. Knowing that he had shattered someone’s mind like that, held their memories in his grasp. Knowing that he had committed a war crime. Snoke had spoken to him after. Said that compassion was for those who deserved it, and enemies of the First Order did not deserve compassion, did they? Kylo thought it had gotten easier. A dirty necessity. Besides, the Resistance did the same to their prisoners, didn’t they? Both sides were willing to do whatever it took to win.  
_

_He’d invaded minds in the name of the Supreme Leader. But hurting Poe...he couldn’t picture breaking into Poe’s mind. Shattering his light with one push. One stroke.  
_

_Hux continued. “Why do you care what happens to him? He’s a murderer and a fanatic. General Organa’s pet rancor. He attacks when she says ‘go’.” A beat. “Is he really that pretty?”_

_Poe seemed to be torn between making a snarky comment and being flabbergasted at being called a murderer — probably because of Hux’s sheer gall.  
_

_Kylo took a deep breath. "Ask him questions,” he said. “I assure you, General, if you or any of your clumsy oafs permanently damage him, I promise you that even hiding behind the Supreme Leader won’t save you.”_

_Hux narrowed his eyes. “Careful, Ren,” he said, “That you learn your place. And not let your weakness be our downfall.”_

_The stormtroopers practically shoved Poe into the interrogation room, Poe glancing back at Kylo with an unreadable sort of expression before Hux ordered one of the stormtroopers to close the door. Kylo couldn’t help but feel his heart sink. He was a coward — though for whatever reason, he didn’t know._

Ben woke in that moment, and though he didn’t see anything, he could still hear the sounds of the stormtroopers hurting Poe echoing in his ears. And he knew the rest. Snoke, implying with all the subtlety of an anvil that he had to ultimately interrogate Poe himself. Poe’s memories being there one minute and crumbling like dust the next in Kylo’s invisible grip. Kylo, knocking Poe unconscious afterwards, and waiting until he was mercifully out of Hux’s earshot to let it all sink in. To hate himself. 

Had he good as made Poe? Like when he almost destroyed Poe’s mind, he left something of his taint in Poe’s light? 

And he hadn’t been strong enough. Poe was right; FN-2187 at least had a spine. Had integrity. 

Another old memory, Snoke’s voice, slithered into his mind. _No one would want you, love you after what you’ve done. Dameron certainly wouldn’t want you after what you’ve done_. 

Ben groaned softly. Apparently, even after he’d killed Snoke, the ex-Supreme Leader’s voice still remained in his head. Ready to slip through the cracks. 

Snoke was right, though. And yet...

Even pulling on his Resistance fatigues, Ben knew that even though there was no chance Poe would want him, want to be with him, it wasn’t about that. Maybe they’d find someone else; maybe Poe would go with Zorii, who knew. Or FN-2187. Or anyone. Ben just knew that Poe deserved the truth.

So he typed it all out. Typed what exactly had happened. Every part. Poe would most likely find him weak and making excuses. Maybe he was. Kylo Ren could have left the First Order at any time, after all. But Poe had a right to know. 

***

Poe was already struggling to get out of bed after a nightmare about Paige Tico’s death when his datapad went off. Grumbling, he grabbed it, wondering if it was an update on the current, complicated process of rebuilding the Republic...

Ben had sent him a message. 

Poe knew he should delete it. And yet...Ben hadn’t sent him a message in eleven years. He and Ben sent messages when they could, especially when Poe had gone through his spice runner period. But then Ben had run away. And Poe hadn’t heard from him for over a decade. 

He sighed and clicked on it. 

_General Dameron,  
_

_I know that I’m the last person you want to hear from. I don’t blame you, actually. The last time we met, it was the Finalizer. I didn’t want to hurt you. That was why I held out for so long. Snoke was the one who ultimately ordered me to do it, but I wasn’t strong enough to resist him, to defy him. To leave. It was only recently that I gained the strength to defy Palpatine, and even then...if I told you how, you wouldn’t believe it.  
_

_There’s nothing I can say to justify what I did. I doubt even the memory of Snoke’s Lightning coursing through my body could justify it. Or him saying that you’d be destroyed by someone else if I didn’t do it. Executed for terrorism, as he put it. Or the fact that I believed it, because I saw some of those executions, heard the speeches Hux gave during them. I did what I did because I wasn’t strong enough to resist Snoke. FN-2187 — or Finn, as I heard he’s called now — was. So was TZ-1719. So were so many others who left. I wasn’t brave. I never was.  
_

_I shouldn’t have said what I did about you either. I don’t have an excuse. Other than anger. I don’t know if we can mend things. I doubt we can. But I thought you had a right to know.  
_

_-Ben_

Poe didn’t know if it was true, and yet he could remember how Ren’s voice had gone quiet at times, when he’d spoken with Hux. What he’d said too. Maybe it was a warm-up to the actual torture, but something in Ren’s voice, in Ben’s...

And maybe Ben was laying it on thick, and yet, Poe felt a pang of guilt for even thinking it. After all, Ben certainly hadn’t deserved to be tortured himself.

Whatever Ben’s intentions were, at least it got Poe to talk to him. There was that.

***

”I got your message.” Poe said. 

They met in one of the more private rooms on the Resistance Base. In that room, Ben couldn’t help but feel at least a pinch of embarrassment. Wondering if he’d gone too far. 

“You did,” Ben said.

”It...” Poe sighed. “It explains a lot. It sounds unbelievable, but it explains a lot.” A beat. “I will say it’s not true that you never were brave. If you pardon the grammar issues.”

”Thank you,” Ben said. 

”You were brave at the end. Defying Palpatine, renouncing the First Order, saving Rey. And you’re brave now. You’re on the path to redemption. You think you’re not brave after that?”

”I don’t know.” 

Poe continued. “Even in the beginning, you were brave. Everything going on in your head, and you kept it up for long enough. Courage isn’t just being perfect. Courage is at least trying — and Yoda can shove his ‘do or do not’ crap up his stubby green cargo hold.”

The faintest of smiles tugged at Ben’s lips. Then he faltered. “The Force Lightning wasn’t the worst thing he did. Snoke. He...” Now, he couldn’t help but remember things. Snoke’s training. The crack of a slap from the ex-Supreme Leader. Sharp objects that he hovered too close to. And more. Snoke had justified it, all of it, as part of his training. To make him stronger. Complete. And maybe it made sense to a Dark Side teacher, but somehow to Ben...

”He put me through hell,” Ben murmured, “And meanwhile, my mother swept me under the cargo ramp, just a dirty Skywalker secret. Probably chose you because you were perfect, and because you weren’t me — ”

”You really haven’t learned, Ben, have you?” Poe said. “I’m not perfect. I never have been.” A beat. “I doubt I could ever be what you or she saw me as.”

Poe just sounded so tired, so guilty, that any further tirades died in Ben’s throat. He shouldn’t be yelling at Poe anyway. Not when he had almost destroyed his mind. 

”I’m sorry,” Ben said, after a while. 

”I didn’t know what Snoke was doing to you,” Poe said. “You have to believe me. I had no idea. I don’t know if your mother knew and why she didn’t tell me; I mean, I could have tried to do something. But I didn’t know. And I didn’t want you...abused.”

Slowly, hesitantly, Ben nodded. It sounded hard to accept — was hard to accept. But he could believe it. 

Hesitantly, Poe’s hand laid over Ben’s, and Ben’s breathing hitched. Aside from his father’s caress to his face, and he and Rey touching hands through the Bond, Ben hadn’t been touched in years. “Ben,” Poe said, “I didn’t just go to Jakku looking for your uncle. I came looking for you.”

Ben couldn’t speak for at least a while. Then, “Snoke said no one would care that I was gone. That no one would come for me.”

”Well, Snoke lied.” Poe said. 

Ben nodded. He could accept that. He truly could. 

***

Even eating with Rey, Ben noticed that Poe wasn’t sending him death glares across the table. That was a plus. And the fact Poe had said Snoke had lied. It would take a while, of course, to adjust to the idea of Snoke having manipulated everything. And he doubted that Poe still loved him, still could love him, after all Ben had done. 

”Poe seems to be in a better mood,” Rey said. “You too. What happened?”

”I apologized to him. It was a start.” Ben picked at his peas. He didn’t want to disrespect the Resistance chefs, who were probably doing their best, but the peas really did look like Dagobah had chewed them up and spit them out. 

”Good,” Rey said. “He’s not terrible when you get to know him.”

Ben looked over at Poe, who...the way he looked at him, all brown eyes that could make anyone weak at the knees, Ben didn’t want him to stop looking at him like that. 

”Yeah,” he said. “I know."

***

Finn trained with them later. Apparently, Finn knew that he was Force Sensitive, which would, actually, explain a lot. The way Kylo Ren had just felt that FN-2187 was no ordinary trooper. The way he had held up so long in the forest on the Starkiller planet. 

Finn didn’t trust Ben. That was fair, Ben thought. He had seen what he did against Finn as “just combat” at the time, but now, he wasn’t so sure. Given that Finn hadn’t built his lightsaber yet, they practiced with swords instead. It was odd practicing in a training context considering their last duel. 

”So, you’re not gonna land me in one of those bacta suits again?” Finn said. 

”That’s not the plan,” Ben said. “I can assure you that.” A beat. “I didn’t apologize proper for what I did to you. I hope you’re...all right.”

Finn looked genuinely caught off-guard, especially seeming like no one had asked him about if he was okay. “Yeah,” he said. “I am.” A beat. “I mean, I don’t know if I like you yet, as a person, but...thank you, I guess.”

”Fair enough.”

”You did a good thing,” Finn said. “Defying the Emperor. Saving Rey. Thanks for saving her, really.”

How did it feel being acknowledged for stuff you did right, and not the evil you did? Ben, for the second time that day, was speechless. Then, “It was nothing. I mean...it was what anyone would have done.”

”Still,” Finn said. 

Maybe Ben could grow to like Finn. He hadn’t known FN-2187 long enough to form an opinion on him, but Finn he liked. 

Even practicing, Ben couldn’t help but hold back, even though it really was “just” training. Even though they were on the same side. Finn, meanwhile, moved with the same ease that he did in the forest, and he was good, Ben thought. Really good. He’d thought that in the forest then, but now, it really stood out. 

Of course, Ben underestimated Finn, and that got his sword knocked out of his hand. And Finn looked positively triumphant; Ben didn’t think he’d ever seen Finn smile before. “Guess we’re even,” Finn said. 

”You did good,” Ben said. He hadn’t been angry when Rey had beat him in both their duels. He wasn’t angry at Finn either. 

“To be fair, I think you were holding back,” Finn said. 

Rey nodded. “You’re afraid,” she said. “Of hurting him again.”

”Once was bad enough.”

”It’s just practice,” Finn said. “Really.”

“I did a lot of bad things,” Ben said. "I’d like to do what I can to make up for them.”

”That’s a good place to begin." A beat. “Speaking up of making up for things, I better talk to Poe about something. Something I said.”

”You’ll do fine,” Ben said. 

Finn nodded. “I guess I can like you slightly as a person...”

”So can I,” Ben said. 

Even as Finn left, Ben didn’t miss the look Rey gave him, almost guilty. “You okay?” he said. 

”I really took him for granted,” Rey said. “And I...I don’t know how to describe it but, and no offense to you, but when I reunited with him on Crait, I felt like I was home. I just thought he was with Rose, so...”

"Is he?” Ben said. 

Rey smiled faintly. “I don’t know. I might have to talk to him, though I don’t know how the conversation would go. If he’d even appreciate it.”

“You’re just talking to him,” Ben said. “You’re not in a lightsaber duel.”

”Maybe.” Rey sighed. “I’ll talk to him. It’s about time I did.”

She left. Ben watched her go. He could only hope that Finn wouldn’t break her heart. It was later that Maz Kanata walked over towards him, carrying something, and Ben swallowed. He hadn’t seen Maz in...a while, really. Yeah, that was the best way to put a long series of years. A while. 

”Ben Solo,” Maz said. “The man who died.”

”Is that what I’m remembered for?” Ben said wryly. It was still uncanny, truthfully. Coming back from the netherworld of the Force. 

”It’s not common,” Maz said, “Though not unheard of.” A beat. “Your mother would have wanted you to have this.”

She handed Ben a small, leather-bound text, and Ben opened it. On the first page, in his mother’s handwriting, were the simple words _This journal belongs to Leia Organa-Solo_. 

”Your mother had a lot of things she wanted to tell you,” Maz said. “When you were older. You meant much to her, child.”

”She gave up on me,” Ben said. He was aware of how petulant he sounded, how wounded, just remembering what he’d felt on Crait. 

”Not at the end,” Maz said. “My child — I know your eyes. Snoke and Palpatine told so many lies, and the architecture is difficult to see. They were so good, weren’t they, at convincing you that you were unwanted. You are a complicated case. You’ve caused pain and had pain thrust upon you. I doubt anyone can concretely put you in the position of villain or victim.”

Ben supposed not. Everything that had been done to him, and everything he had done...it was all so complicated. So much to root out. 

Maz continued. “I hope it brings you peace, child. Somehow.”

She walked away. Ben held the book in his hand, walking back to his quarters in a daze. His mother’s journal. Maybe he could finally get answers out of her, even if it was through a journal. At least he could let go of the fantasy that she had ever cared for him. 

He sat down on his bed. Opened the book, and read the first entry.


	7. Leia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia makes an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: I’m not super-familiar with the Aftermath trilogy, so something will inevitably contradict something there. Sorry.

It was strange opening his mother’s journal. Seeing her handwriting, which Ben was so familiar with from notes from her Senate meetings, and even things as mundane as grocery lists. His breathing hitched, and his eyes already felt hot and wet with tears. But he read the first passage.

_My son is born. It took a long while — I know that it was quite the struggle. I don’t think he wanted to come out. But he is the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. He has black curly hair; according to Han, his late mother had hair like that too. And his eyes...I don’t know if they’ll stay blue, or get darker, but they’re so vulnerable. In a way, I am scared for him. I’m scared for myself too. I’ve never been a mother before now. My biological parents also weren’t the best parents. My biological mother died in childbirth; Artoo said it was psychosomatic, but I don’t think it would be a stretch to think my father good as killed her. And my father was Vader. I can’t tell my son. I can’t tell anyone. I already have so many fears, about him living under Vader’s shadow, about him being bullied for having someone as evil as Vader as a grandfather. I don’t care that Luke said he redeemed himself. Him saving Luke isn’t like a trick of the Force where it undoes everything, from his deeds during Order 66 to what he did to Han to his torture of me to so much more. (He didn’t destroy Alderaan, at least, but he did nothing to stop it)_

_My son deserves so much more than living under Vader’s shadow. Even the moment I saw him, I loved him more than my own life and I knew, I simply knew that I wanted to give him a future where Vader’s shadow doesn’t define him. He deserves a happy childhood. Han agrees. (Han told me, about what he and that girl Qi’ra went through, and I’m still so outraged as to what happened to them both) As for who my parents are...the Organas were more parents to me than my biological parents ever were. My father was a monster, and the fact he didn’t even apologize for everything...I hope the Force is making him suffer in a hell of his own creation. He had so many choices, and he chose evil.  
_

_I won’t be my father. I’ll be Breha and Bail. The ones who shaped so much of me, the ones who truly raised me. And I’ll keep the name Organa. Breha and Bail were the ones who were truly my parents, and Bail especially was truly my father. Vader has no place in our family. He never has.  
_

_***  
_

_Shara and Kes came to visit. Ben’s one, and Poe’s four, but Poe was so overwhelmingly gentle with him. And Ben adores Poe. I can remember him just toddling around after Poe, excited to have a new friend. I am glad, truly. It’s normal for children to have imaginary friends, I’ve heard, but I don’t want Ben to just be babbling to himself in his room.  
_

_Shara and Kes also got on so well with Ben! Shara called him a beautiful baby, and Kes said he was going to be “a real troublemaker, like his father”. With a smile, of course. I can believe it. Ben absolutely worships Han. I know he loves me too, but he is his father’s boy. I wish I could see him more. I know Han’s looking after him, as well as our droid nannies, but it’s not the same. In between perfecting my abilities and trying to rebuild the Republic, I don’t have much time to see Ben, and I wish I did. He reminds me there is still innocence in the galaxy, still light, still wonder. And he’s so overwhelmingly smart. Solving puzzles, stringing together syllables...it makes me wish I could cut back on my hours in the Senate. Or even bring Ben with me, though I doubt he’d have the patience for bickering Senators. (I know I don’t)_

_***  
_

_I can’t be a Jedi.  
_

_Perhaps I am a coward. It’s not like me to just give up. But I had a vision. It’s of Ben — an older Ben. I’m fighting a duel with him, and the worst part is that I kill him. And then I heard this laughter. It sounded like Palpatine, but I don’t even know if I’m crazy or not. Palpatine’s dead. No one could survive being thrown down a reactor shaft and then blown up.  
_

_Stang, I don’t know if this vision’s real. (Do Force Sensitives get visions under stress? Hallucinations?) But I can’t do it. I can’t kill Ben. Kriff whatever the Force wants; even a nexu would fight to the death for her cubs. And I love Ben. If the Force wants a mother to kill her child, I want nothing to do with it.  
_

_I gave Luke my saber. Maybe I’ll pick it up again, maybe someone else will. (Ben, maybe?) But I won’t be a dejarik piece in the Force’s cruel game. Kriff the Force. I may not be able to be there for Ben as often as I would have liked. But I won’t kill my son to appease the Force.  
_

Ben froze. And right now, he felt a sinking sort of guilt. Somehow, his mother had given up being a Jedi for him. Him, of all people. He wasn’t worth that much, that sacrifice.

”I was wondering when Maz would give you that.”

Ben jolted, looking over at where his mother’s Force ghost hovered. She was shimmering and soft and she looked so very at peace. Ben hadn’t expected that. Hadn’t expected to see her at all. 

”Mother,” he said.

Leia smiled, if sadly. “There was so much I wanted to tell you, Ben. So much I wanted to explain. I wish I had been able to tell you sooner. I thought, given that my time was about to end, I would give you the last gift I could: the truth.”

”I thought for so long that I was a mistake,” Ben said. 

”Never. Ben...whatever you did later in life, you always were a blessing. And while Poe is a good man...” A faint smile. “I don’t think Shara Bey would appreciate me stealing her son.”

”Not really. Mom...I’m sorry for what I did...”

"I know.” Leia sighed. “You know, you can keep reading.”

Ben did. He read through everything, quietly murmuring to himself even as he did. Murmuring the words of long-forgotten journal entries to himself, up until he reached the last part. 

_My time is close. I can feel it. I can remember too well what Master Yoda, my brother’s Master, said. “Twilight is upon me, and soon, night must fall.” I understand now. And I know I have to reach Ben. I love him, still. Even on Crait when I thought that he was gone, I didn’t love him any less. And what Rey told me, about Luke (and stars, I wish Ben had told me. I could have done something about it)...it gives me more hope that Ben can be reached. Can be saved, for that matter._

_You are so very loved, Ben. I love you. Sons don’t stop being sons. Sons, at least to me, remain children with scraped knees in need of patching up and a love for bedtime stories forever in your memory, if not in time. I know, Ben, there is a part of you that still believes in the goodness of others, in making things right, and given that I good as buried it sending you to your uncle, I’m not going to let it die. Even if I die trying. If I die, I die shining a light across the galaxy. If I die, I die saving my son. And that...that will be a good death.  
_

”Rey didn’t tell you why,” Ben said. “About Uncle Luke. He wasn’t himself. Palpatine tricked him, put him under mind control.” A beat. “Uncle Luke thought he wasn’t strong enough.”

”Luke told me. I’m glad Rey killed him,” Leia said, grimly. “After all he’s done to our family and all life, he had to be taken out. Here’s hoping he doesn’t come back.” Then, softer, “I should have had more faith in you, Ben. When you hesitated to fire on the Raddus. Just to name one.”

”I did terrible things.”

”And yet you took the first steps to atone for it.”

”I had to.” A beat. “I saw Dad. He might have just been a figment of my imagination, but I saw him. It sounds a bit implausible.”

”We live in an implausible galaxy,” Leia said, smiling faintly. 

Ben chuckled despite himself. Then, “Snoke said you wouldn’t come to get me.”

”Then Snoke lied,” Leia said. 

”He did. He lied about so many things.” Ben ran a hand through his hair. “How am I supposed to begin again at _thirty_?”

”You can and you will,” Leia said. 

***

It was long after Ben and Leia finished talking that Poe entered the room. Ben turned to Poe. “You probably thought I was talking to myself,” he said wryly. 

Poe sat down beside him. “Were you?”

”I saw my mother.” Ben said. “I think...in a way, I good as murdered her.”

”That one you weren’t responsible for,” Poe said. “She sacrificed herself.”

”I’m not...worth that much.”

Poe’s fingers brushed against his shoulder. Ben couldn’t help but feel calmed by it, cooled. “You always have been,” he said. “No matter what.”

”Even after everything.”

”Of course, Ben.” 

They didn’t have to say anything. They sat together, close together, two men grieving Leia’s loss quietly while they could. 


	8. And Some Have Greatness Thrust Upon Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe gets unexpected responsibility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: I have mixed feelings about this chapter’s ending sentence. Also, obligatory Shakespeare reference is obligatory. And very Star Trek-ish more than Star Wars. Whatever.

Poe looked over at Ben, who was currently resting his head on Poe’s shoulder, and he couldn’t help but feel at least a stab of tenderness that he didn’t expect to feel for the former Supreme Leader in so long. The way he seemed so peaceful, half a smile on his lips...Poe didn’t think that he’d see it again, if he was to be perfectly honest. The quirk of pale lips, black curls a mess as they fell around his face. He didn’t think that he’d have that opportunity, just to feel Ben with him. Just to be so close to him. The way he looked, his breathing so steady, his eyelashes contrasting against ivory skin spotted with moles...

Poe doubted he had ever seen anyone more beautiful. He wanted to touch Ben, but in that moment, he didn’t want to wake him. Waking him was probably a bad idea. 

Ben stirred in that moment, murmuring something indistinct. Then, blinking, he looked at Poe, a growing look of guilt coming across his face. “Did I...”

”You just fell asleep against me,” Poe said. 

”Oh stars, I’m so sorry,” Ben said. “I was so tired...”

Poe held up a hand. “I’m glad you did,” he said. “Not gonna lie, it’ll make good blackmail material. Who knew the former Supreme Leader of the First Order snores?”

”What?!” Ben exclaimed. 

Poe laughed. “Joking.”

Ben narrowed his eyes. “Not funny, Poe,” he said, but his lips were twitching. It was, in Poe’s opinion, kind of adorable, actually.

Poe smiled. “Gotta admit, it was kind of funny.”

”Nerfherder,” Ben muttered. “Just...impossible...and yet..." He trailed off. It was like he was about to say something that he couldn’t bring himself to. 

”And yet I’m also irresistible,” Poe said, lightly. It was more than just a joke; it was an attempt to make things less awkward between them. 

Ben looked away, seeming almost shy. Poe almost wanted to call him out on this, on all of it, hiding what they used to have, except did Ben feel anything of it, still, for Poe? True, there was the fact that he was kinda sorta related to Rey and thus their kiss was all but nothing (except for a source of awkwardness looking back), but really...was there room for Poe in Ben’s story? Did he still have a place?

Poe longed to know the answer as much as he dreaded it. 

Then, Ben said, “You are the sweetest man, of course. Kind. Funny. One could say you are.”

Poe wished that he could say more. Maybe it was just longing for the past, when he thought he could kiss Ben’s demons away. When he loved this troubled falling star, and no one else could fit. 

Time had no doubt passed. Ben would probably change his mind. Probably had changed his mind. He wouldn’t want someone who knew nothing of dying and being resurrected, of ghosts and monsters skulking about his head. 

Would he want someone who had made so many mistakes?

”Would you still care about me,” Poe said, “If you knew that I did bad things?”

”Aside from being a bit prickly, I doubt you would,” Ben said. “And even if you did, do you think I’m clean?”

Poe paused. There was no right way to put it. Ben continued. “I know what you did to the Dreadnaught,” he said. “First off, I will admit you mocking General Hux...I did not mind that at all. I actually found that funny.”

Poe smiled faintly. “I don’t know how to feel about him now,” he said. “He did horrible things, and yet I don’t think we would have found out about Exegol if not for him.” A beat. “That and I found out about his background...and having a father like that, no wonder he became what he did.”

“Yeah.” A beat. “Burying him...”

”We had funerals for everyone. Including you...though it’s weird considering you’re back.”

”Well, I guess my official obituary would read ‘No really, Ben Solo’s an ex-sentient being. He’s actually dead this time.’”

Poe sighed. “That’s not a joke, Ben.”

”Sorry. Just a bit weird,” Ben said. “That’s all.” A beat. “What did you say? About all of us.”

”Mostly a speech about how everyone has the capacity for sacrifice. For good. Think I did well. I mean, speeches aren’t my strong suit...”

”Ridiculous,” Ben said. “I bet you were fine.”

Poe smiled. “I hope." A beat. “But yeah...about me doing bad things...”

”At least you had good intentions,” Ben said. “You wanted to save people. I know that’s what you want most of all. To protect.” 

”I do. Jess didn’t blame me, for Paige’s death. But I feel like I good as killed her.”

”I don’t know Paige,” Ben said, “But if she was as brave and self-sacrificing and kind as I’ve heard from the reports, I don’t think she’d want you to blame yourself. She volunteered. She knew time and time again that every mission could be her last, and she still gave it her all. You don’t need to carry her ghost with you."

”I suppose not.” Poe’s voice wavered. Stars, it felt like he was going to fall apart, and after a year. 

He’d been keeping himself barely together, and this was how he shattered. 

Ben put an arm around his shoulder, squeezed his shoulder. Somehow, Poe thought of the old days, when he thought Ben’s large body could shield him from any danger.

”You’re still holding on,” Ben whispered to him. “Let go.”

Poe supposed he could try.   
  


***

They had to separate when they ate dinner in the mess hall, and Poe couldn’t help but already wish they could sit together. The Leader of the First Order, the Leader of the Resistance, eating together...that would be something to talk about, that was for sure. And even looking over at Ben, Poe couldn’t help but feel at least a pang of loneliness, even though Finn was with Poe, as well as D’Arcy. The way these lonely pangs felt...Poe wished he could say something. Do something for Ben. D’Arcy was talking about reestablishing the Republic on Coruscant, how it was only right considering the entire Hosnian system was gone, and luckily Poe was keeping up with her. Luckily. He still felt like he had to do something for Ben. To at least apologize additionally for how he’d treated him. He could show Ben his X-wings, but Ben apparently had a living ship. You couldn’t top that, not really. 

”In the event of the Republic being reestablished proper on Coruscant,” D’Arcy said, “We’d like you to be Chancellor, General.”

”What?” The word came out as rougher than Poe expected. 

D’Arcy nodded. “In the absence of a suitable candidate to lead...General Organa would have taken the helm, but she’s deceased. As is Amilyn Holdo. I have my doubts about you, General, but you would be the best choice considering that’s what General Organa would have wanted.”

Poe could have sworn he felt like the breath had been stolen from his lungs. “I,” he said, “I’m not a leader. Certainly not a political leader. I have no experience in politics, and you’re asking me to lead a galaxy...”

He got up. He was aware of some murmurs and curious stares. “I need a minute,” he said. 

Even leaving, he was aware that he could breathe again, even though it was in short bursts. In, out. In, out. He couldn’t —

He expected D’Arcy to be there when he heard footsteps and turned around. It was Ben. 

”What’s wrong?” Ben said. “Are you okay?”

”I don’t want this — never wanted this — it’s too big and I was shoved into it — ”

Ben didn’t demand to know what he was talking about. He hugged Poe, and for a moment, the contact was grounding. It reminded Poe of when they were younger men, and the galaxy had given them a brief reprieve. How Ben’s body felt when Ben hugged him. And Poe could lean into it for a moment, pretend the galaxy was kinder and had spared Ben and Poe both pain, even if for a moment. 


	9. I Know You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Poe start working out the kinks of Poe being Chancellor (starting with his speech).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It took a while before Poe actually calmed in Ben’s arms. (Ben’s arms. It took a while for him to remember that they were in harsher times, and that things hadn’t been entirely kind to them) He withdrew, looked up at Ben, and he was struck by how worried Ben looked. Like he was afraid he’d gone too far. 

”I’m sorry,” Ben said. “You were panicking, and I was so worried for you...”

”You did nothing wrong,” Poe said softly. Then, “Thank you, Ben. I’m just...” He laughed, a bit strained. “I’m scared. Scared out of my mind, actually.”

”Not usual for you,” Ben said. “What happened?”

”D’Arcy wants me to be Chancellor of the rebuilt Republic.” Poe laughed a strained laugh again. “I’m not a leader, Ben. I’m not...your mother. I did fine with my squadron, but when it comes to actually leading a Resistance, I’ve been just a figurehead...”

"Don’t say that,” Ben said. 

”Finn said explicitly that I’m not your mother. Hurts like hell, but he’s right.”

”Cruel,” Ben said. “Even if what you’re saying is somehow true, which I doubt...do you really think that leading Black Squadron doesn’t count? Or Rapier Squadron? You're a better leader than I was in the First Order...though that doesn’t say much.”

Despite himself, Poe felt his lips twitch. “Now who’s the nerfherder?” Then, softer, “I don’t know anything about politics. D’Arcy chose me because I was thrown into this role. Being the leader.” A beat. “People think they know Poe Dameron.” He thought back to Kijimi, and Finn’s surprise at Poe’s spice runner phase. “No one does.”

”I do.” Ben said. 

”Yeah.” Poe smiled faintly. “You do, Ben. You always have.” A beat. “I’ll need training. I don’t know how I’m supposed to lead a whole galaxy.”

”Then I’ll be with you,” Ben said. “No matter what.” A beat. “We all will.”

***

Talking to D’Arcy had gone well, all things considered. So had Ben continuing to train with Rey and Finn; Poe tried not to think too hard about the feelings that arose with Ben returning from training, hair a mess that fell around his face, clothes sticking to his body with sweat and seeming to outline his physique. He tried not to think of just how gorgeous Ben was, how it brought up better memories. 

_The sheer relief of just being inside Ben, Ben’s powerful, gorgeous thighs gripping him and closing him in. Poe couldn’t stop the moans and hisses of relief that escaped his lips as he entered his lover, looking down in awe as Ben cried out at just being filled.  
_

_”Kriff, you’re perfect," Poe murmured. He took one of Ben’s perfect, long-fingered hands and kissed it. “So hot and tight." He moaned; between the feeling of being surrounded and the feeling of Ben’s gorgeous legs squeezing him, he was so scared he’d lose it and come early. “Gotta...gotta think about flying. Hold off a while.”_

_”Good idea. Move for me.”_

_Poe did. Even losing himself inside Ben, touching him in between thrusts and relishing drawing out every possible gasp and moan and plea, it was something that he never thought he’d feel. It struck him, how much Ben had a hold over his heart, how brightly their need for each other burned. Poe almost wanted to be consumed by it, for whatever it meant.  
_

“You okay?”

Ben’s voice, jarring him back to the present, reminding Poe it had been twelve years since that time in Poe’s memory. Poe composed himself, trying to think of, say, Rey telling him about Luke milking a thala siren. (Apparently it had been gross. Finn and Poe had begged her to spare them further details)

It didn’t stop that empty, miserable feeling, but at least it got Poe’s mind off sex. “Yeah,” Poe said. It was bantha crap, but somehow he couldn’t tell Ben the truth. "Just...thinking of working on one of my speeches. When I’m Chancellor.”

”When. When is accurate.” Ben sat down on the bed next to him. “You’ve started?”

Poe sighed. “I’m thinking about it,” he said. “Like...sentences. Ideas. Of course, I wasn’t alone when I gave that pre-Exegol speech to the Resistance. I had Finn.”

”I’m not really an expert on speeches,” Ben said. “I guess I have...some experience with politics, though? My mother was a Senator, and I had to give my share of speeches as Supreme Leader. Of course, Hux was the one who loved it the most. Snoke...seemed more content to just wait in the shadows rather than actually inspire people.”

”No surprise,” Poe said. Then, “I guess we could try and outline what we’ve got? Outline a speech that’ll restore faith in the Republic?”

”Yes,” Ben said. “It’ll be small steps for both of us.” One for Poe being a leader, one for Ben looking at what Kylo ruined and deciding to rebuild instead. 

Poe nodded. “I’m proud of you, you know,” he said. 

”It’s not much.”

”It’s a beginning. You defied Palpatine. You saved Rey. And now you’re working with me to rebuild the Republic. It’s small steps, but, y’know, our parents didn’t defeat the Empire in a day.”

”Yeah.” Ben said. 

Outlining and brainstorming...on the one hand it was stressful, because Poe knew that it could make or break his career. On the other hand, it was at least interesting coming up with ideas, phrases Poe liked, things of that nature. And after a while, Poe realized he was getting tired. Eventually, he put aside his datapad and yawned. “Kriff, but I’m tired. Want to...stay with me?”

”As in...”

”You can just...share a room.” Even now, Poe couldn’t help but feel awkward saying it. Was it out of line? “Stay in the chair opposite me. Or something. Don’t want you to sleep on the floor.”

”Nightmares?” Ben said. 

”About Paige. Sometimes Snap. And getting the news back from Exegol, about your death.” Poe sighed; it sounded needy of him to say it, but he didn’t care. “Stay?”

”As long as you need me.”

BB-8 wheeled into the room, beeped in confusion. Poe smiled faintly. “I’m letting him stay, buddy,” he said. “No worries.”

BB-8 beeped, clearly distrusting but grudgingly accepting. Poe could understand. Even his relationship with Ben really was just healing. 

And yet even as he climbed under the covers, closed his eyes, he felt safe, somehow, knowing Ben was with him. He hadn’t expected it. And yet, even if no one else knew him, Ben did. 

Poe could take safety in that. 


End file.
